One of the many woman I look up to moved to Colorado when I moved to Walnut Creek. I miss her so much, and through her I read about, “real talk Tuesday”. She explains all about it in her blog: http://www.sothankful4.blogspot.com, which you should just go read because her writing is so amazing and she is hilarious. But I have a lot on my heart and wanted to get some of it off my chest. So here I go with my real talk!
I’ve been told by two different people, “it would be easier if [my] parents decided to divorce and move on.” Now both of those people have lost their fathers in two completely different ways and their mothers were moving on into new relationships. What is so interesting to me about their statement is that I completely disagree. (Although I disagree I have no idea the pain that these two people feel with their dads being dead, and I do take what they say and how they feel seriously.)
When I was eight years old, I was told in a green mini van that my dad was having an affair. That’s interesting to me, considering I was trying to learn what an affair was rather than thinking about how awful and confusing my life was about to become. As I quickly came to learn what an affair was, I quickly became very hurt. See my dad was choosing to move on and leave his family behind. Where he did not die, my mom was not widowed and then found someone to move on with, my dad was choosing to move on. So why exactly wasn’t I good enough to stick around for? What made me at eight years old so awful that I was being left? I was being abandoned by choice.
I was told to keep it a secret and not tell my brothers so that they wouldn’t find out. Then we were shipped off to my grandparents and my parents worked out their marriage and ended up sticking together.
Now I am growing up. Every year, going through each season. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. Every day each year I held a secret that my dad left me and I wasn’t good enough.
Sixteen years I kept this to myself. My friends knew. They were all I had. My parents didn’t talk to me about it. My grandparents didn’t talk to me about it. My brothers weren’t supposed to know. So I had my friends. I would cry to them and talk to them about it. Sixteen years. Sixteen years I suffered alone in my family. I disrespected my dad a lot growing up because I did disrespect him. He left me. He didn’t love me. And if he did love me, then why wasn’t he talking to me about what he did? Why didn’t he ever say sorry?
I am now 24 years old. New years eve of 2014 I get a phone call from my mom telling me that my world is shattering again, and my dad is packing his stuff to leave after being caught in another affair. FINALLY! FINALLY I can say something. FINALLY I don’t have to keep a secret and can tell people that this isn’t new to me!
I need to process this out.
I need to write. Writing is where I can get my thoughts out the best.
I need to heal.
I need to forgive.
See I am just a kid!
I may be twenty-four, married, and pregnant with my first child, but I am still a kid!
I was hurt by the ones that were sent here to look over me and shelter me from hurt like this. The ones that were supposed to take care of me and love me. Where every time I heard, “I love you” all I thought was, “yeah right, you can shut up now!” I am not supposed to be a victim of my parents. I am supposed to be loved and cherished and cared for and kept safe by my parents from evil and hurt. Instead I had the opposite done to me. I was hurt. By them. So for me to wrap my mind around what has happened is utterly impossible because I am not supposed to understand this hurt. This shouldn’t happen. I am kid. I should hear from my parents and be told from them that they are proud of me and love me. That they really love me. And their actions would speak louder than their words. I am a kid. No matter how old I am, I am still a kid of my parents. And the fact that my parents are not together, with each other is painful and hard and heartbreaking.
I was told a few years ago about this couple who decided to get a divorce. They had two children and there was an affair involved. Someone told me about this family, and how they haven’t seen the children “more happy”. Well I knew those children. And that is the largest lie that I ever heard. No child is going to be happy that their parents chose to live with someone else. A kid wants their family to be whole. To be loving. To be safe. Not broken. I just laughed inside to not disrespect the person telling me this, but really? Are you seeing the same two broken kids that I am? Or do I just know what it’s like to be them? The only difference is that when I was their age my parents worked their marriage out and kept everything a secret. Where these two children went threw the whole divorce in public. Their parents being judged and talked about. But I still felt their brokenness.
“I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
So I don’t have to carry this. I don’t have to be strong. I can be weak.
I am so weak.
I am so confused.
I am so hurt.
I feel disgusted.
I feel abandoned.
I can know so many characteristics about my LORD and who he is in my life, but my heart still hurts and I don’t understand why any of this is happening, again.
I am healing.
I know I am because I am hurting and I am feeling.
I don’t understand why I have to even heal from this topic.
I feel like FINALLY I can have some closure over the last sixteen years. I FINALLY can really heal, because Jesus and my friends know how much I have wanted to move past all the secrets and lies and hurt. I can FINALLY have all this because I don’t have to keep a secret anymore. Although I can FINALLY have closure and healing, I am so terribly hurt and broken.
Side note on all of my hurt: Please pray for my parents. I don’t know what the outcome is going to be of this. My mom is really diving into Jesus to seek his wisdom and guidance. I don’t know whats going on in my dads heart. Maybe this marriage of 26 years will end, or maybe God will bring beauty out of these ashes. But they need prayer as much as I do. And prayer for my two younger brothers. I love my family and will defend them in any situation, but we are broken and need prayer of comfort and strength. And if Jesus wants to answer some of my questions for him, that would be great too.
Previously posted on my blog, http://www.loveisthekee.blogspot.com, February 18, 2014