Right now I have both my kids napping. The youngest is slowly waking up, or I would go take a nap also. Today I felt like I needed to use my spare five minutes to write.
Today I broke. I got to the breaking point from the hectic last few weeks and broke. I just cried as I made Nathan’s lunch.
I’m so tired.
And in the exhaustion I can’t think clearly.
Peyton is 6 weeks old and from the moment she was born she has had something going on with her. Nothing serious, but enough to have prescriptions or X-rays taken. Every week it’s something new and normally the things overlap to where I’m not getting a break to see her fully healthy. I have told some friends that I’m ready for her to be about 6 months old. Out of the newborn age so there is more options on ways to help her out.
Nathan is 2. He doesn’t like to listen. It drives me insane and to keep from losing my cool, I have to remind myself that he is only two, he just had a new sister, mommy isn’t focused only on him, and we just moved to a new house. He has a lot going on in his little life!
But today I took about an hour getting Peyton to sleep. I put her down and Nathan ran and slammed the door shut. I was so mad. So mad. It woke her up. I told him for the first time to go to his room. I needed a break. He cried for maybe 4 minutes until he found his 5,687 toys and played. I put Peyton back to sleep and made his lunch. Then tears just fell and I cried a couple minutes to a friend.
What is this rash Peyton has now? How can I help her? Is it serious? Should I take her to the doctor? Is she okay? Am I crazy? Because I’m so tired, I can’t think clearly. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I find myself praying all day that Peyton is completely healed, for peace in my heart and wisdom. No more contacting her doctor or asking my mom friends the same questions over and over from their experiences.
I just need to come up for some air. I have been living under a rock trying to figure this all out. Our new home, a wife, mom of two, a sister, and still being a friend to others.
I’ve had a lot of people ask to help me, and I have taken help from a good amount of amazing women in my life. So thankful for them. But even after they leave or I get off the phone with them, I’m exhausted.
I learned my worst fear isn’t necessarily bad health, it’s my kids having something wrong and I don’t have the wisdom to know what to do and it becomes worse.
Crying today helped me. Sitting in silence right now is also helpful. Writing is therapeutic for me. I felt like I came up for air a little today. I actually threw up my hands and said I can’t carry all this. Such a crazy season right now and I am praying I have the right perspective to enjoy the moment because I know this time will go fast. I think I just need to come up for air a little more often and rest in the peace of Christ.