I’ve gotten to share two pregnancy and two baby announcements on social media. I feel super blessed to be able to do that. I also should say that I love baby and pregnancy announcements. It is the main reason I check my Instagram. I want to see the cute additions to families and the creative ways that people share their news.
Lately…. These pregnancy announcements bring me to tears.
Its the weirdest feeling because it is not jealousy, it is not that I want to be them and want to be pregnant. In general, I don’t like being pregnant. But I want my baby back. I want that pregnancy back. I want to be in my second trimester.
All these announcements, I should also be announcing my pregnancy.
I should be announcing that we are going to keep the gender a surprise.
I should be posting belly pictures and what movements I’m feeling.
But I’m not.
I seriously feel like everyone is pregnant and due in May. I had to unfollow some people because it hurt to see what I should be posting and I’m not. And it truly has nothing to do with them at all. It has everything to do that my baby should still be here and I don’t know why its not.
Now going into the holidays where I thought I was going to be pregnant and I’m not going to be now. Its so weird. It feels like the fastest 9 weeks of my life.
That week of loosing the baby was the hardest week that I have ever had. It felt like it was lasting forever. Every time I went to the bathroom I was so scared that the bleeding was going to start. I just laid in bed holding my tummy praying and crying out that its heart would start beating again.
And in a blink of an eye, it has been almost 2 months already.
Did that all really happen?
Was I really pregnant for those 9 weeks?
I had a miscarriage. Man. That is hard to type out. I have been wanting to write about the past couple months but nothing comes out when I sit to do it.
I found out I was pregnant in August 2017, I lost the baby October 5, 2017. I was 9 weeks along but the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks.
I am sure I’ll be able to write about it at some point. But then at the same time I have wanted to write about my husbands brain surgeries and I never have been able too.
Last night something happened and I felt like it is super important for me to write down to remember.
I was really encouraged.
One phone call around 8pm from a close friend that didn’t know my thoughts the last week. She just called and chatted then started encouraging me. Knowing I want to be pregnant, she kept encouraging that my 3rd earthly child will be born in his timing. That I can use this time to focus more on the two I have and spend quality time with them to shape and mold them and pour into them. Really focus on what they need and how to parent them each. Trying to find the good in the day is sometimes hard. It’s easy to find good in my overall life. I am a mom of two amazing toddlers, in my eyes, can’t get better than that. But my heart longs for a baby that isn’t here and I still want it here. My focus quickly jumps to that missing child when I’m taking photos of the two on earth with me. “In May, there will not be 3 to take pictures of, still 2”. So I was thankful for an outside light to shine in that I still have important work to do in the time of grieving.
A couple text messages came later from a different friend. Pouring into me and encouraging me mainly about who I am. The qualities in me that she admires. The strength she sees in me. The fact that she finds me to be a good mom. All things I have heard before but really needed to be reminded of.
What is God doing right now? A friend that has been in my shoes told me that she can look back and see what God was doing when she lost her baby. There was good in that sad time. I’m trying to see what’s happening. Why did my baby have to leave? What was the bigger picture of that loss? I know I have to wait to see, or maybe I’ll never know.
What am I supposed to be learning right now? What is this season for? I don’t like it. I want to be almost half way done with my pregnancy. I want to be getting things ready and ordering coming home outfits.
We weren’t going to find out if it was a boy or girl. We were going to be surprised. But now, all I want to know is if it was a girl or boy. Name the baby. Know the baby or have a dream about the baby.
I’m really sorry if you have lost a baby. My heart longs for comfort for you. Let me know in the comments if I can pray for you or if you just need to chat.