Grieving a Relationship.

For years I have been grieving this same relationship. And it’s been a very hard process.

The relationship with my dad.

I have written over the past couple years the hurt he has caused me. But a quick summary in case you don’t know the story:

He cheated on my mom many times over their relationship. They started dating when they were 14/15 and got married at 20. But in 2013 he decided to leave my mom for this woman. During this time my mom found out she had thyroid cancer and her symptoms were basically the reason my dad “just fell out of love”. Which makes me wonder if he understood his vows “in sickness and in health”. But whatever.

I was pregnant with N, and my world was crushed. I had dreams of my parents as grandparents and all the fun things that went with that. And then I also felt cheated on too. Because my dad didn’t just leave my mom, he left our family. Not a sorry in smoke of dust as he hurried away to be with some other woman. Which he actually kicked my mom out… had this lady move in… uh so stupid. Makes me mad.

So fast forward to this year. It’s been probably exactly 5 years since his affair started. He flew to Texas to help us move in. We picked him up at the airport and what is on him? A giant black wedding ring. And I instantly was sick. His wedding ring with my mom was a simple gold band. But this black one just reminded me of death.

Watching my husband and his siblings do so much to prepare the funeral for their dad was really incredible. It was the worst time in their lives and they band together and made decisions for their dad. I wish none of them went threw any of that. Their mom was in ICU from the same car accident that killed their dad instantly, so all the arraignments was on them.

I listened and read so many words of how great of a man their dad was. I heard each of the kids speak about their dad and the thoughts and memories they hold dear.

What I’m writing about is not even in the same boat as to what my husband has gone threw.

But as I sat there in the van after picking my dad up, I started grieving. My relationship with my dad is done. When he dies my brothers and I will have no part in his funeral. His new wife will.

And to make this all even hurt more, my dad never spoke a word of it. I text my brother and he called me and told me that my dad called him after it happened and told him….. I’m not sure about my other brother, but none of us where there…. was it a, “yay we started our relationship by cheating and ruining a family five years ago, let’s celebrate and get married”? Ugh I feel so sick.

I assume my dad didn’t tell me bc it’s not a secret what I think or how I feel. But how freaking childish and rude.

I literally started hyperventilating in a bathroom from it. And I realized I was just grieving. Grieving the hope that one day my dad would come back to his normal self. That he would apologize and come back to his family. Or even if that didn’t happen because I’m not sure I would ever want my mom to be with him again anyways, at least turn away from his mistake.

I am curious how long he will go before he cheats on this lady…. because I don’t understand how he can leave my mom and his family. And now he’s having his own secret family and he lives in two different worlds. He has time where he sees us, but he’s not himself in those times. He’s not open and honest (granted I don’t want to hear about this new life he has because it hurts me).

It just hurts. It hurts that he created a family and left. It hurts that I have watched my mom be crushed. It hurts that he doesn’t even care. That hurts the most. It hurts that when he dies, I’m not going to get up on a stage and talk about all these good memories like my husband just did for his dad. It all hurts.

I’m very much writing out of emotion and on top of that pregnant hormones. I’m not censoring my thoughts, I’m just getting them out. Trying to write again as a way of processing and letting go.

xoxo kymberly

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Season of Grieving

I have always used writing as a way to get my thoughts out or process, but this past year I have kept a lot in and I think it’s the lack of time to truly think and write, and the tiredness of being a mom. I just can’t think of words to even write.

The past year has been a season of lost. The end of September of 2017 is when I was told my baby was going to be a miscarriage. That led into a hard season for me. Being that babies mom for a short 9 weeks was just not enough.

Then the beginning of the year my husband lost a childhood friend to a heart attack at 29.

The spring came and Calebs grandma and grandpa went to heaven only a couple months from each other.

Then this August Caleb lost his dad.

Good gravy, are we done with loss yet? We can’t even process one before another happens!

In all this loss I have had so much to process and I don’t know how I have been able to. I tried really hard to just feel all the feelings in the moment. Let myself be super sad if I need to. Thankfully my kids watch a movie/nap because it’s let me zone out.

Grieving is hard. I’m really over grieving. I’ve done a lot of grieving from people I love dying and I’m so thankful to know confidently each of them is in Heaven.

This last week, I felt like I had to grieve a relationship. This person is still alive but the relationship is never going to be the same. To make this post not so long, I’ll continue in my next….

xoxo kymberly

Being Watched as I Grieve

Three weeks ago today my husband woke me up to the news his parents were in a car accident the night before and his mom was in the hospital. He grabbed a couple things and left.

I didn’t even know where he was going. Where she was at. I had my two kids and they were a little confused that their dad left so quickly when we should be getting ready for church.

I called around to find who could watch my kids so I could go wherever my husband was. And I called my sister in law and I didn’t know I was going to be the one to tell her about it because her husband wasn’t home when he got the news.

Something I’ll forever be pissed about is how someone started a chain of calling to the children, while they were driving, that their dad had not survived the accident. Seriously? Why not wait until they are not driving to tell them that life shattering news! Stupid. That person is stupid and I don’t know who it is, but next time hold off on that news until they make it to their destination safely!

I found out about my father in law before caleb did but I didn’t want to tell him when he was driving. So he called me and all I could say was “no. No no no no” and hear my husband hysterically crying on the phone while driving to see his mom in ICU.

I finally got someone to watch my kids and I left. As I was driving I called a couple of people. My husbands best friend. A couple of my friends that have lost a dad. And just a couple friends I thought should know right away. I had to stop halfway during the drive and just cry.

By the time I got to the hospital my phone was blowing up. I just put it away. It was so nice that people cared but so overwhelming also.

That night I had friends calling me and I hadn’t told them yet. Later I found out that the news was all over Facebook and that’s when I instantly felt like I was being watched.

People watch.

They watch how you grieve. They crave the details and as a friend of mine put, “the gut wrenching details and pain. The emotion and heart break” they watch it all and crave it.

Now this is our last month living in the state of California, our house is sold, we have a house purchased in Texas already, this month was blocked out with saying goodbye to friends and family. A lot of plans got moved around obviously, but I was able to keep some important goodbyes on the calendar.

But taking pictures with these friends, is it okay to smile right now? Are these people watching our every post and reading into our lives and basing how we’re doing off a status update, are they going to be offended that we are smiling in a picture with a friend?

I posted one. A photo with three of my closest friends. And then I felt nervous I was going to be judged for not being sad in that moment.

It’s really weird to feel this.

I don’t care what people think, but in this case when you’re being watched so closely it puts this pressure on what you post. Maybe it’s just me. I know it’s not just me bc I talked to a couple friends about it and some said they felt this also. But maybe it’s just us!

It’s weird.

I am sad. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I’m not going to publish on Facebook. I don’t feel like that is appropriate for me. I want to feel a safe environment to let that all out. I actually feel more safe on my blog than I do on Facebook.

Anyways. It’s weird. And I just wanted to write about it.

Have you ever been here? Just not knowing if things are appropriate to post. Is it appropriate to post a goodbye photo with a friend. Don’t know the next time I’ll see them so I wan to document that day. And these goodbyes are good. They are hard and goodbye feels different now after loosing a family member. But these days for me personally are needed. Having a couple hours to look forward to. Having a couple hours to get my mind off my life or have that safe place to share and cry.

A photo doesn’t show how I’m doing every minute of every day. Right now is hard. But I’m happy and thankful for the gift of getting to spend time with these close friends. Because life is short and if I didn’t have a photo with them and something happened to them I would regret it.

-kymberly

Our Horrible Month.

We had a tragedy hit our family this month. Leaving my daughters second birthday party, my in laws were involved in a car accident that took the life of my father in law instantly and left my mother in law in ICU. She is going to be okay! So thankful for her life!

This month was our last month in CA. We have sold our house and purchased a home in Texas. Our stuff is currently in POD shipping containers that have all our belongings and they are making their way to Texas.

Sept 1st we were set to get on a one way flight to Texas, with my in laws, and make the move. I’m 25 weeks pregnant so my in laws were there to help unpack the heavy stuff and paint my kids’ rooms.

That’s not happening anymore.

This has been a horrible couple of weeks. I hate almost all of it.

I hate that my husband lost his father.

I hate that the accident happened after my daughters birthday party. And it was such a fun party.

I hate that so many people are hurt.

I hate that my mother in law is in the hospital still and has so much to grieve. I can’t imagine the hurt in her life.

I hate that the excitement of our big move is now looked as us leaving in a time we should be with family.

I hate that my in laws will not be with us as we make this move.

I hate that I had to cancel my husbands surprise 30th birthday party where his parents were going to make desserts and bring balloons!

I hate that my son is scared to be in a car accident at the age of four.

I hate answering his questions about where his grandpa is. He knows the answer is heaven, but I hate that he has to process this so young.

I hate that this baby in me will not know this grandpa.

I hate it.

I feel like the devil stole this exciting month from us.

I’m thankful my father in law had a relationship with Jesus Christ and is in Heaven. I’m thankful he did not suffer. I’m thankful we had a fun last day with him. I’m thankful two of my kids knew him. I’m thankful my husband was on good terms with his dad. I’m thankful that my father in law left with his family still well taken care of. I’m thankful of the legacy he left behind. The good name he left for his family.

-kymberly

Legacy.

This last weekend a childhood friend of my husbands died unexpectedly of a heart attack on an airplane at the age of 29.

What. The. Heck.

Friends set up a gofundme account and it has raised over 20,000$! In just 2 days. The paragraphs of writings and photos shared on social media have brought me to complete tears.

He is dancing in heaven for sure, but goodness did his dying leave heartache on earth.

It’s made me think a lot. When I die, will things be written about me like this? Would people come together for a gofundme account to raise money for my family?

My husband wanted to go through yearsbooks tonight to look at memories of him and this friend. So as I sat with him I also went through my yearbooks. I ended up staying up for hours reading what people wrote to me.

So many friends thanked me for being me. For not caring what people thought. For being annoying and crazy haha. For listening and making them laugh.

Every person wrote one or more of those things. Almost all of them said thank you to me for letting them just be themselves around me and not judging them and making them laugh.

I’ve never thought of myself as funny. I find others funny and spent most of my growing up laughing at others. I bruised my ribs from laughing so much one night!

Now, I’m a mom of toddlers, who today lost my mind and yelled at my oldest. And it wasn’t nice. I just snapped. I said I’m sorry and talked to him about how it wasn’t okay what I did and that I yelled at him. But I feel like my days are so hard right now that I’m not laughing every day. I’m making my kids laugh every day, but that deep laugh that used to make me fall over, that is gone in the monotonous work of being a mom of toddlers.

I would however not change where I am at. I love my kids. They definitely make me smile every day and challenge me and teach me. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But am I affecting any other lives? Does that even matter now? My kids are my legacy. How I raise them. How they are as adults and their strengths. I hope I cheer on who they are individually and that I don’t judge them. And that when they are adults they can be some of my best friends and we can have those good deep belly laughs.

I hope when I die, that I lived this life well like my husbands friend. He lived every day to the fullest and lived it for God. It’s powerful reading the impact he had on others from such a young age.

xoxo kymberly

Pregnancy and Baby Announcements.

I’ve gotten to share two pregnancy and two baby announcements on social media. I feel super blessed to be able to do that. I also should say that I love baby and pregnancy announcements. It is the main reason I check my Instagram. I want to see the cute additions to families and the creative ways that people share their news.

Lately…. These pregnancy announcements bring me to tears.

Its the weirdest feeling because it is not jealousy, it is not that I want to be them and want to be pregnant. In general, I don’t like being pregnant. But I want my baby back. I want that pregnancy back. I want to be in my second trimester.

All these announcements, I should also be announcing my pregnancy.

I should be announcing that we are going to keep the gender a surprise.

I should be posting belly pictures and what movements I’m feeling.

But I’m not.

I seriously feel like everyone is pregnant and due in May. I had to unfollow some people because it hurt to see what I should be posting and I’m not. And it truly has nothing to do with them at all. It has everything to do that my baby should still be here and I don’t know why its not.

Now going into the holidays where I thought I was going to be pregnant and I’m not going to be now. Its so weird. It feels like the fastest 9 weeks of my life.

That week of loosing the baby was the hardest week that I have ever had. It felt like it was lasting forever. Every time I went to the bathroom I was so scared that the bleeding was going to start. I just laid in bed holding my tummy praying and crying out that its heart would start beating again.

And in a blink of an eye, it has been almost 2 months already.

Did that all really happen?

Was I really pregnant for those 9 weeks?

xoxo kymberly

Miscarriage. 💔

I had a miscarriage. Man. That is hard to type out. I have been wanting to write about the past couple months but nothing comes out when I sit to do it. 
I found out I was pregnant in August 2017, I lost the baby October 5, 2017. I was 9 weeks along but the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks. 

I am sure I’ll be able to write about it at some point. But then at the same time I have wanted to write about my husbands brain surgeries and I never have been able too. 

Last night something happened and I felt like it is super important for me to write down to remember. 

I was really encouraged. 

One phone call around 8pm from a close friend that didn’t know my thoughts the last week. She just called and chatted then started encouraging me. Knowing I want to be pregnant, she kept encouraging that my 3rd earthly child will be born in his timing. That I can use this time to focus more on the two I have and spend quality time with them to shape and mold them and pour into them. Really focus on what they need and how to parent them each. Trying to find the good in the day is sometimes hard. It’s easy to find good in my overall life. I am a mom of two amazing toddlers, in my eyes, can’t get better than that. But my heart longs for a baby that isn’t here and I still want it here. My focus quickly jumps to that missing child when I’m taking photos of the two on earth with me. “In May, there will not be 3 to take pictures of, still 2”. So I was thankful for an outside light to shine in that I still have important work to do in the time of grieving. 
A couple text messages came later from a different friend. Pouring into me and encouraging me mainly about who I am. The qualities in me that she admires. The strength she sees in me. The fact that she finds me to be a good mom. All things I have heard before but really needed to be reminded of. 

What is God doing right now? A friend that has been in my shoes told me that she can look back and see what God was doing when she lost her baby. There was good in that sad time. I’m trying to see what’s happening. Why did my baby have to leave? What was the bigger picture of that loss? I know I have to wait to see, or maybe I’ll never know. 

What am I supposed to be learning right now? What is this season for? I don’t like it. I want to be almost half way done with my pregnancy. I want to be getting things ready and ordering coming home outfits. 

We weren’t going to find out if it was a boy or girl. We were going to be surprised. But now, all I want to know is if it was a girl or boy. Name the baby. Know the baby or have a dream about the baby. 

I’m really sorry if you have lost a baby. My heart longs for comfort for you. Let me know in the comments if I can pray for you or if you just need to chat. 

xoxo

kymberly