Three weeks ago today my husband woke me up to the news his parents were in a car accident the night before and his mom was in the hospital. He grabbed a couple things and left.
I didn’t even know where he was going. Where she was at. I had my two kids and they were a little confused that their dad left so quickly when we should be getting ready for church.
I called around to find who could watch my kids so I could go wherever my husband was. And I called my sister in law and I didn’t know I was going to be the one to tell her about it because her husband wasn’t home when he got the news.
Something I’ll forever be pissed about is how someone started a chain of calling to the children, while they were driving, that their dad had not survived the accident. Seriously? Why not wait until they are not driving to tell them that life shattering news! Stupid. That person is stupid and I don’t know who it is, but next time hold off on that news until they make it to their destination safely!
I found out about my father in law before caleb did but I didn’t want to tell him when he was driving. So he called me and all I could say was “no. No no no no” and hear my husband hysterically crying on the phone while driving to see his mom in ICU.
I finally got someone to watch my kids and I left. As I was driving I called a couple of people. My husbands best friend. A couple of my friends that have lost a dad. And just a couple friends I thought should know right away. I had to stop halfway during the drive and just cry.
By the time I got to the hospital my phone was blowing up. I just put it away. It was so nice that people cared but so overwhelming also.
That night I had friends calling me and I hadn’t told them yet. Later I found out that the news was all over Facebook and that’s when I instantly felt like I was being watched.
They watch how you grieve. They crave the details and as a friend of mine put, “the gut wrenching details and pain. The emotion and heart break” they watch it all and crave it.
Now this is our last month living in the state of California, our house is sold, we have a house purchased in Texas already, this month was blocked out with saying goodbye to friends and family. A lot of plans got moved around obviously, but I was able to keep some important goodbyes on the calendar.
But taking pictures with these friends, is it okay to smile right now? Are these people watching our every post and reading into our lives and basing how we’re doing off a status update, are they going to be offended that we are smiling in a picture with a friend?
I posted one. A photo with three of my closest friends. And then I felt nervous I was going to be judged for not being sad in that moment.
It’s really weird to feel this.
I don’t care what people think, but in this case when you’re being watched so closely it puts this pressure on what you post. Maybe it’s just me. I know it’s not just me bc I talked to a couple friends about it and some said they felt this also. But maybe it’s just us!
I am sad. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I’m not going to publish on Facebook. I don’t feel like that is appropriate for me. I want to feel a safe environment to let that all out. I actually feel more safe on my blog than I do on Facebook.
Anyways. It’s weird. And I just wanted to write about it.
Have you ever been here? Just not knowing if things are appropriate to post. Is it appropriate to post a goodbye photo with a friend. Don’t know the next time I’ll see them so I wan to document that day. And these goodbyes are good. They are hard and goodbye feels different now after loosing a family member. But these days for me personally are needed. Having a couple hours to look forward to. Having a couple hours to get my mind off my life or have that safe place to share and cry.
A photo doesn’t show how I’m doing every minute of every day. Right now is hard. But I’m happy and thankful for the gift of getting to spend time with these close friends. Because life is short and if I didn’t have a photo with them and something happened to them I would regret it.