Two Months Gone.

Blaine,
I was a very lost 18 year old girl when I walked into cattlemen’s and met you for the first time. All these years later I haven’t thrown out the shirt I wore the night I met you and colleen because it meant something to me although I haven’t worn it. You stood up and gave me a hug. I didn’t know my identity or what I wanted in my life in that season, but I was welcomed right away.

Two years later I wasn’t even engaged to your son and you paid for me to stay with you and your family while your son was having multiply brain surgeries. I remember some conversations, I remember being cared for when your son was in a rough spot. You just extended that care and generosity out to me.

The following year I became a Hudson. That came with big shoes because everywhere I went people knew who you were. They would talk to me and say hi to me and I would have to ask Caleb who they were haha but they all loved you.

Then you became a grandpa to my own kids. This is probably the hardest thing for me to see is my husband loose his father and my kids not understand that you’re not coming down anymore. You are definitely missed and I am forever grateful for that first hug over 10 years ago. In these last 10 years I have grown and I am no longer that lost teenager. I hope I carry your families name well, and I hope one day I leave this earth with the positive impact that you have. It’s incredible to see the amount of people that are stepping out with stories and love for you.

I’m thankful that every greeting started with a hug and every goodbye ended with a hug and some joke. Our last hug was as good as the first one…. my heart is broken and you are missed.

xoxo kymberly

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Caleb’s 30!

Caleb you are the big 3 0 !

Happy birthday!

I don’t know how today will be for you, but know I’m here for you. Weeks ago I planned a surprise party that you would’ve been truly surprised at, but that didn’t get to happen. Your parents were supposed to fly in today while you were at work for another surprise, but that isn’t going to happen either.

It sucks all these plans that were made for such a special birthday and they don’t get to happen.

I hope your birthday is still okay after this crazy year. There has been so many ups and downs the year of you being 29. 30 can only be better. It has to be better.

The growing you can do this year in a new place is un measurable. The learning from a new work environment and new people all around can bring fresh perspective.

I’m excited for this year. You get to meet your new baby. You get to start fresh in a new area. You get to make new memories and traditions.

But it’s okay to not be okay.

This year will probably be very hard also. And we’re all here for you for that. The first birthday you won’t get a call from your dad 😢 I’m really sorry about that. The first Christmas without your dad 😢 I’m really sorry about that. The first everything that is going to come 😢 I just wish I could take the hurt away.

He was very proud of you. He was a great dad that you get to always share his legacy and you also have so much of him in you, so you’ll live out a lot also!

Happy birthday Caleb!

The day is yours for whatever you want to do!

xoxo kymberly

Book Review of “In the Middle of the Mess” by Sheila Walsh

I set a goal to read 12 books in the year of 2018. Between my bible studies and books that I have collected, I thought it would be an easy goal. Well it’s September and I just finished my first book of the year! I’m half way done with a handful of books, but then I move on to another. None of the books I have are stories to get lost in. They are all books I hope to learn something from. Parenting, praying, how to be a Godly wife…. so good but I stop my parenting book and pick up my wife book if there’s an argument in my marriage. And that’s why none are finished haha. Anyone else??? 🙋🏻🙋🏻

My mom has gifted me a lot of books. She gets one for her and one for me. This was one of them.

I have seen Sheila Walsh speak at Women of Faith years ago in California with some amazing friends. I did not know her whole story.

This book had me in tears in some chapters and nodding my head, “yes sister, preach!”, in other chapters!

We all have a story. There is mess in ALL of our stories. I have not struggled with mental health issues or suicide. This book had a lot of encouragement for women (and men I’m sure) that deal with that struggle. It’s her struggle so she speaks right to it. She wants others to know they are not alone because she is with them.

She talks about her mom dying. I can’t really ever picture my mom dying. I just want to live in the world where that never happens. But watching my husband just recently loose his dad 7 weeks ago, it brought up some personal tears.

I love how she concluded the book. Encouraging us all to share our stories. If we don’t share our stories, how will we ever be able to comfort someone else in our same shoes? Also by hiding our story and our mess we give power to it. We let it fester inside us and that doesn’t do anyone any good. So let’s band together with our friends and even strangers and share our stories. No one has a perfect story. So there is no shame in your story!

Anyways… totally worth the read. It was 12 chapters. I’m sure some of you could bust that out in a day, but it took me months haha. But I did it! And I’m so glad that I finished this book!

In the Middle of the Mess

By Sheila Walsh

xoxo kymberly

💗

Grieving a Relationship.

For years I have been grieving this same relationship. And it’s been a very hard process.

The relationship with my dad.

I have written over the past couple years the hurt he has caused me. But a quick summary in case you don’t know the story:

He cheated on my mom many times over their relationship. They started dating when they were 14/15 and got married at 20. But in 2013 he decided to leave my mom for this woman. During this time my mom found out she had thyroid cancer and her symptoms were basically the reason my dad “just fell out of love”. Which makes me wonder if he understood his vows “in sickness and in health”. But whatever.

I was pregnant with N, and my world was crushed. I had dreams of my parents as grandparents and all the fun things that went with that. And then I also felt cheated on too. Because my dad didn’t just leave my mom, he left our family. Not a sorry in smoke of dust as he hurried away to be with some other woman. Which he actually kicked my mom out… had this lady move in… uh so stupid. Makes me mad.

So fast forward to this year. It’s been probably exactly 5 years since his affair started. He flew to Texas to help us move in. We picked him up at the airport and what is on him? A giant black wedding ring. And I instantly was sick. His wedding ring with my mom was a simple gold band. But this black one just reminded me of death.

Watching my husband and his siblings do so much to prepare the funeral for their dad was really incredible. It was the worst time in their lives and they band together and made decisions for their dad. I wish none of them went threw any of that. Their mom was in ICU from the same car accident that killed their dad instantly, so all the arraignments was on them.

I listened and read so many words of how great of a man their dad was. I heard each of the kids speak about their dad and the thoughts and memories they hold dear.

What I’m writing about is not even in the same boat as to what my husband has gone threw.

But as I sat there in the van after picking my dad up, I started grieving. My relationship with my dad is done. When he dies my brothers and I will have no part in his funeral. His new wife will.

And to make this all even hurt more, my dad never spoke a word of it. I text my brother and he called me and told me that my dad called him after it happened and told him….. I’m not sure about my other brother, but none of us where there…. was it a, “yay we started our relationship by cheating and ruining a family five years ago, let’s celebrate and get married”? Ugh I feel so sick.

I assume my dad didn’t tell me bc it’s not a secret what I think or how I feel. But how freaking childish and rude.

I literally started hyperventilating in a bathroom from it. And I realized I was just grieving. Grieving the hope that one day my dad would come back to his normal self. That he would apologize and come back to his family. Or even if that didn’t happen because I’m not sure I would ever want my mom to be with him again anyways, at least turn away from his mistake.

I am curious how long he will go before he cheats on this lady…. because I don’t understand how he can leave my mom and his family. And now he’s having his own secret family and he lives in two different worlds. He has time where he sees us, but he’s not himself in those times. He’s not open and honest (granted I don’t want to hear about this new life he has because it hurts me).

It just hurts. It hurts that he created a family and left. It hurts that I have watched my mom be crushed. It hurts that he doesn’t even care. That hurts the most. It hurts that when he dies, I’m not going to get up on a stage and talk about all these good memories like my husband just did for his dad. It all hurts.

I’m very much writing out of emotion and on top of that pregnant hormones. I’m not censoring my thoughts, I’m just getting them out. Trying to write again as a way of processing and letting go.

xoxo kymberly

Season of Grieving

I have always used writing as a way to get my thoughts out or process, but this past year I have kept a lot in and I think it’s the lack of time to truly think and write, and the tiredness of being a mom. I just can’t think of words to even write.

The past year has been a season of lost. The end of September of 2017 is when I was told my baby was going to be a miscarriage. That led into a hard season for me. Being that babies mom for a short 9 weeks was just not enough.

Then the beginning of the year my husband lost a childhood friend to a heart attack at 29.

The spring came and Calebs grandma and grandpa went to heaven only a couple months from each other.

Then this August Caleb lost his dad.

Good gravy, are we done with loss yet? We can’t even process one before another happens!

In all this loss I have had so much to process and I don’t know how I have been able to. I tried really hard to just feel all the feelings in the moment. Let myself be super sad if I need to. Thankfully my kids watch a movie/nap because it’s let me zone out.

Grieving is hard. I’m really over grieving. I’ve done a lot of grieving from people I love dying and I’m so thankful to know confidently each of them is in Heaven.

This last week, I felt like I had to grieve a relationship. This person is still alive but the relationship is never going to be the same. To make this post not so long, I’ll continue in my next….

xoxo kymberly

Being Watched as I Grieve

Three weeks ago today my husband woke me up to the news his parents were in a car accident the night before and his mom was in the hospital. He grabbed a couple things and left.

I didn’t even know where he was going. Where she was at. I had my two kids and they were a little confused that their dad left so quickly when we should be getting ready for church.

I called around to find who could watch my kids so I could go wherever my husband was. And I called my sister in law and I didn’t know I was going to be the one to tell her about it because her husband wasn’t home when he got the news.

Something I’ll forever be pissed about is how someone started a chain of calling to the children, while they were driving, that their dad had not survived the accident. Seriously? Why not wait until they are not driving to tell them that life shattering news! Stupid. That person is stupid and I don’t know who it is, but next time hold off on that news until they make it to their destination safely!

I found out about my father in law before caleb did but I didn’t want to tell him when he was driving. So he called me and all I could say was “no. No no no no” and hear my husband hysterically crying on the phone while driving to see his mom in ICU.

I finally got someone to watch my kids and I left. As I was driving I called a couple of people. My husbands best friend. A couple of my friends that have lost a dad. And just a couple friends I thought should know right away. I had to stop halfway during the drive and just cry.

By the time I got to the hospital my phone was blowing up. I just put it away. It was so nice that people cared but so overwhelming also.

That night I had friends calling me and I hadn’t told them yet. Later I found out that the news was all over Facebook and that’s when I instantly felt like I was being watched.

People watch.

They watch how you grieve. They crave the details and as a friend of mine put, “the gut wrenching details and pain. The emotion and heart break” they watch it all and crave it.

Now this is our last month living in the state of California, our house is sold, we have a house purchased in Texas already, this month was blocked out with saying goodbye to friends and family. A lot of plans got moved around obviously, but I was able to keep some important goodbyes on the calendar.

But taking pictures with these friends, is it okay to smile right now? Are these people watching our every post and reading into our lives and basing how we’re doing off a status update, are they going to be offended that we are smiling in a picture with a friend?

I posted one. A photo with three of my closest friends. And then I felt nervous I was going to be judged for not being sad in that moment.

It’s really weird to feel this.

I don’t care what people think, but in this case when you’re being watched so closely it puts this pressure on what you post. Maybe it’s just me. I know it’s not just me bc I talked to a couple friends about it and some said they felt this also. But maybe it’s just us!

It’s weird.

I am sad. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I’m not going to publish on Facebook. I don’t feel like that is appropriate for me. I want to feel a safe environment to let that all out. I actually feel more safe on my blog than I do on Facebook.

Anyways. It’s weird. And I just wanted to write about it.

Have you ever been here? Just not knowing if things are appropriate to post. Is it appropriate to post a goodbye photo with a friend. Don’t know the next time I’ll see them so I wan to document that day. And these goodbyes are good. They are hard and goodbye feels different now after loosing a family member. But these days for me personally are needed. Having a couple hours to look forward to. Having a couple hours to get my mind off my life or have that safe place to share and cry.

A photo doesn’t show how I’m doing every minute of every day. Right now is hard. But I’m happy and thankful for the gift of getting to spend time with these close friends. Because life is short and if I didn’t have a photo with them and something happened to them I would regret it.

-kymberly

Our Horrible Month.

We had a tragedy hit our family this month. Leaving my daughters second birthday party, my in laws were involved in a car accident that took the life of my father in law instantly and left my mother in law in ICU. She is going to be okay! So thankful for her life!

This month was our last month in CA. We have sold our house and purchased a home in Texas. Our stuff is currently in POD shipping containers that have all our belongings and they are making their way to Texas.

Sept 1st we were set to get on a one way flight to Texas, with my in laws, and make the move. I’m 25 weeks pregnant so my in laws were there to help unpack the heavy stuff and paint my kids’ rooms.

That’s not happening anymore.

This has been a horrible couple of weeks. I hate almost all of it.

I hate that my husband lost his father.

I hate that the accident happened after my daughters birthday party. And it was such a fun party.

I hate that so many people are hurt.

I hate that my mother in law is in the hospital still and has so much to grieve. I can’t imagine the hurt in her life.

I hate that the excitement of our big move is now looked as us leaving in a time we should be with family.

I hate that my in laws will not be with us as we make this move.

I hate that I had to cancel my husbands surprise 30th birthday party where his parents were going to make desserts and bring balloons!

I hate that my son is scared to be in a car accident at the age of four.

I hate answering his questions about where his grandpa is. He knows the answer is heaven, but I hate that he has to process this so young.

I hate that this baby in me will not know this grandpa.

I hate it.

I feel like the devil stole this exciting month from us.

I’m thankful my father in law had a relationship with Jesus Christ and is in Heaven. I’m thankful he did not suffer. I’m thankful we had a fun last day with him. I’m thankful two of my kids knew him. I’m thankful my husband was on good terms with his dad. I’m thankful that my father in law left with his family still well taken care of. I’m thankful of the legacy he left behind. The good name he left for his family.

-kymberly