I have always used writing as a way to get my thoughts out or process, but this past year I have kept a lot in and I think it’s the lack of time to truly think and write, and the tiredness of being a mom. I just can’t think of words to even write.
The past year has been a season of lost. The end of September of 2017 is when I was told my baby was going to be a miscarriage. That led into a hard season for me. Being that babies mom for a short 9 weeks was just not enough.
Then the beginning of the year my husband lost a childhood friend to a heart attack at 29.
The spring came and Calebs grandma and grandpa went to heaven only a couple months from each other.
Then this August Caleb lost his dad.
Good gravy, are we done with loss yet? We can’t even process one before another happens!
In all this loss I have had so much to process and I don’t know how I have been able to. I tried really hard to just feel all the feelings in the moment. Let myself be super sad if I need to. Thankfully my kids watch a movie/nap because it’s let me zone out.
Grieving is hard. I’m really over grieving. I’ve done a lot of grieving from people I love dying and I’m so thankful to know confidently each of them is in Heaven.
This last week, I felt like I had to grieve a relationship. This person is still alive but the relationship is never going to be the same. To make this post not so long, I’ll continue in my next….
I’ve gotten to share two pregnancy and two baby announcements on social media. I feel super blessed to be able to do that. I also should say that I love baby and pregnancy announcements. It is the main reason I check my Instagram. I want to see the cute additions to families and the creative ways that people share their news.
Lately…. These pregnancy announcements bring me to tears.
Its the weirdest feeling because it is not jealousy, it is not that I want to be them and want to be pregnant. In general, I don’t like being pregnant. But I want my baby back. I want that pregnancy back. I want to be in my second trimester.
All these announcements, I should also be announcing my pregnancy.
I should be announcing that we are going to keep the gender a surprise.
I should be posting belly pictures and what movements I’m feeling.
But I’m not.
I seriously feel like everyone is pregnant and due in May. I had to unfollow some people because it hurt to see what I should be posting and I’m not. And it truly has nothing to do with them at all. It has everything to do that my baby should still be here and I don’t know why its not.
Now going into the holidays where I thought I was going to be pregnant and I’m not going to be now. Its so weird. It feels like the fastest 9 weeks of my life.
That week of loosing the baby was the hardest week that I have ever had. It felt like it was lasting forever. Every time I went to the bathroom I was so scared that the bleeding was going to start. I just laid in bed holding my tummy praying and crying out that its heart would start beating again.
And in a blink of an eye, it has been almost 2 months already.
Did that all really happen?
Was I really pregnant for those 9 weeks?