For years I have been grieving this same relationship. And it’s been a very hard process.
The relationship with my dad.
I have written over the past couple years the hurt he has caused me. But a quick summary in case you don’t know the story:
He cheated on my mom many times over their relationship. They started dating when they were 14/15 and got married at 20. But in 2013 he decided to leave my mom for this woman. During this time my mom found out she had thyroid cancer and her symptoms were basically the reason my dad “just fell out of love”. Which makes me wonder if he understood his vows “in sickness and in health”. But whatever.
I was pregnant with N, and my world was crushed. I had dreams of my parents as grandparents and all the fun things that went with that. And then I also felt cheated on too. Because my dad didn’t just leave my mom, he left our family. Not a sorry in smoke of dust as he hurried away to be with some other woman. Which he actually kicked my mom out… had this lady move in… uh so stupid. Makes me mad.
So fast forward to this year. It’s been probably exactly 5 years since his affair started. He flew to Texas to help us move in. We picked him up at the airport and what is on him? A giant black wedding ring. And I instantly was sick. His wedding ring with my mom was a simple gold band. But this black one just reminded me of death.
Watching my husband and his siblings do so much to prepare the funeral for their dad was really incredible. It was the worst time in their lives and they band together and made decisions for their dad. I wish none of them went threw any of that. Their mom was in ICU from the same car accident that killed their dad instantly, so all the arraignments was on them.
I listened and read so many words of how great of a man their dad was. I heard each of the kids speak about their dad and the thoughts and memories they hold dear.
What I’m writing about is not even in the same boat as to what my husband has gone threw.
But as I sat there in the van after picking my dad up, I started grieving. My relationship with my dad is done. When he dies my brothers and I will have no part in his funeral. His new wife will.
And to make this all even hurt more, my dad never spoke a word of it. I text my brother and he called me and told me that my dad called him after it happened and told him….. I’m not sure about my other brother, but none of us where there…. was it a, “yay we started our relationship by cheating and ruining a family five years ago, let’s celebrate and get married”? Ugh I feel so sick.
I assume my dad didn’t tell me bc it’s not a secret what I think or how I feel. But how freaking childish and rude.
I literally started hyperventilating in a bathroom from it. And I realized I was just grieving. Grieving the hope that one day my dad would come back to his normal self. That he would apologize and come back to his family. Or even if that didn’t happen because I’m not sure I would ever want my mom to be with him again anyways, at least turn away from his mistake.
I am curious how long he will go before he cheats on this lady…. because I don’t understand how he can leave my mom and his family. And now he’s having his own secret family and he lives in two different worlds. He has time where he sees us, but he’s not himself in those times. He’s not open and honest (granted I don’t want to hear about this new life he has because it hurts me).
It just hurts. It hurts that he created a family and left. It hurts that I have watched my mom be crushed. It hurts that he doesn’t even care. That hurts the most. It hurts that when he dies, I’m not going to get up on a stage and talk about all these good memories like my husband just did for his dad. It all hurts.
I’m very much writing out of emotion and on top of that pregnant hormones. I’m not censoring my thoughts, I’m just getting them out. Trying to write again as a way of processing and letting go.